“She was a woman profoundly disappointed with life and determined to make everyone around her suffer for it.” - Meryl Streep
She nailed it in one sentence spoken in an interview with the cast of the recently released August: Osage County. An amazing cast of talent appearing in, most likely, a quality production. But, one I just do not believe I can sit through. It would be too close to home…too soon after my mother’s passing. Critics write the audience will love the humor. If you live it, there is nothing funny about it.
My mother was deeply disappointed with life. She never could find healing from the alcoholism and abuse from my grandfather. She refused to even try….she only punished the rest of us day to day, moment to moment for her past. Her anger was biting in jabs delivered…judgment served…and at times physical swipes. I have attempted to process all of this for years upon years.
I longed to be one of those mother-daughter duos who lunched, shopped, and went to movies together. Who loved to hear the other laugh…who ran to wipe away the tears…who respected decisions made…
It was never to be.
After I ran from home as a college student, only to occasionally return, I spent one hour every week on the phone listening to her talk. The extent of my conversation was to say “Uh,huh,” every now and then. Most often, the conversation ended because she began a vicious attack against someone in the family…and I could only take so much. But, for some reason, I believed I had to at least do this. If I wasn’t going to go visit, then I had to listen to venom for one hour a week in order to feel like I was a good daughter…that’s kind of sick in itself.
Even more profound is how the passing of someone who has made your life miserable continues to have the ability to control emotions from the grave. For there are times I will feel immense sadness and a deep responsibility we were not closer…then I feel guilt for past decisions…followed at times by relief…more guilt…anger upon reliving moments when she hurt others…
Here comes the guilt again…how does she do that?
Of course, the good news is I found healing…I found joy…and I have a wonderful relationship with my own daughter. I am not profoundly disappointed with life…I am choosing to enjoy each day…even the difficult ones. I tried to share all of this with her…she would not allow it.
No, I will not see August: Osage County.
I hope all of you have a wonderful Saturday!! (Thank you for allowing me to process here) Now, today's post is part of a Saturday blog hop with the talented writers of Midlife Boulevard....just go HERE