over50feeling40: Dear You Know Who You Are....
Fashion and Lifestyle Blog for women over 50 to help achieve strength, confidence, joy, inspiration, and, of course, head-turning personal style!

Jun 24, 2013

Dear You Know Who You Are....

(On my POST about the wedding I attended, I received this comment which I did not publish at the time:  “I can’t believe you preach fashion and wore that dress. – Anonymous”  I decided to respond to Anonymous, because it helps me to explain my POST from last Friday!)

Dear Anonymous,
I decided to respond to your rudeness because I represent many women, my age and my body type who struggle with the same issues I do.
Though I don’t know who you are, because you lacked the courage to put your name to your comment.  I would like for you to understand how comments like this affect people.
First of all, I do not preach fashion.  If I preach anything, it is empowerment, strength, and confidence for women middle age and older.  I report about fashion and style.  I have never pretended to be anything but what I am…a work in progress….who happens to love the fashion industry.
My closet is currently filled with some fabulous dresses and skirts which no longer fit properly.  I have gained extra pounds and have been very upset about it.   Yet, the devil on my shoulder whispers, I am about to be sixty so why bother any longer…just live as I am.
But, friends have encouraged me to keep going forward.  Some work with a personal trainer and want me to join in... that was when fear began to set in...…

I fear walking into a work out facility and being laughed at behind my back.
I fear failure once again …after many diets and attempts to gain my body back.
I fear judgment from people like you!

However, I decided to suck it up and meet with the trainer.  He explained how some diets have slowed my metabolism and though I have been working to lose weight, it has been to no avail because of the harm quick loss diets have done to my system.  He explained how harmful it is for me to sit so many hours of the day as I write.  He explained how I will have to work hard every day to reach my goals.
But, I think you just gave me that extra push to work harder, even though I should not give a mean spirited comment like yours a second thought.  I wore that dress because it was the only dress that fit at the time….and I did not want to purchase something new.  I was up front with my readers about how I felt about my dress.  Nevertheless, I felt good that night.  It was an awesome night with family and friends celebrating love. We had so much fun.
I believe in looking good no matter what size I am...not in the name of fashion, but in the name of joy…strength and dignity.
So, thank you, Anonymous, for giving me even more determination to fit back into my clothes…hey, why don’t you send me a picture of you in your most fashionable outfit…I would love to share it on the blog so we can see the right way to dress!!

Pam@over50feeling40 AND STILL FEELING FABULOUS! 


  1. Keep your chin up! We "women of a certain age" all struggle with something. You continue to inspire and entertain. Good luck with your fitness program. One day at a time and you WILL succeed!

  2. You are a better woman than me. I would have told ANONYMOUS to go jump in a lake.

  3. Pam I suffer the same physical things and feelings. I have been on countless "successful" diets, but after two years I end in the same place. On top of it all I now have goiters sucking at my thyroid. Please continue to tell the advice of your trainer.

    As for the wedding. You looked appropriate compared to the others in the photos. The groom and brides parents are more dressy and should be. I live in NY. A NY wedding it wasn't and no need for NYC dress.

  4. Really, who doesn't feel like you? I suffer the same. Countless diets and two years later I'm back to the same old, same old. To make matters worse I've developed goiters sucking at my thyroid. I'd love to hear all the advice the trainer gives. I need it.

    Looking at the dress of others in your photos, your dress was appropriate. It was not a fancy wedding. This is not NYC, where I am from.


  5. What a PERFECT response - and I've noticed that negative commenters almost always remain anonymous -
    I don't get it.
    At all.
    If you don't like something you see or read - move on -
    My friend and I were just talking about this last night - well sort of - why is it that we ( women ) can get a 100 compliments - and the one negative comment will be the one that sticks with us????
    You responded with such GRACE - just loving it ( and wish that that person would have just kept their opinion to themselves really.

  6. In my book anonymous didn't even deserve an explanation. However I understand how arrows like that hit their target hard and HURT. None of us are perfect. We all have something about ourselves we would like to change. I am thin and I hate it. I try to put on weight and I can't. I am at present dealing with a family member who is dying. It puts all our problems in perspective. Live every day and enjoy every moment.

  7. Funny how the ones that leave negative comments never leave their names.
    Don't you wonder what they look like and are wearing??
    I always imagine a person in a moo moo eating chips and chocolate watching tellanovella and wishing they looked as good as the blogs they leave nasty comments on!

  8. GREAT response to a stupid troll of a commenter!! YOU GO GIRL!!!

  9. I had been wondering what your big change might be, and I wish you the very best. In response to the very harsh critic, we have all worn things that didn't flatter us best, and let us be thankful for the kind friends that did not feel the need to point it out. The internet's anonymity (regardless whether you use a name or not) encourages thoughtless comments from some. I, for one, am amazed at how much good writing, common sense and, yes, style there is for women our age. I am but two years behind you and have recently lost about 25 lbs that seemed to have crept up over the years. It was a long process (combining diet and excercise) and I step on that dead-gum scale now every morning to see just how much leeway I have. Best wishes to you and keep us up to date. There is no reason why you cannot reach your goal.

  10. I loved your response (even though a nasty comment doesn't warrant an explanation!) I keep this on my Pinterest page - "Holding a grudge is like letting someone live rent-free in your head." Hold onto compliments and constructive advice from those you trust and let everything else go...I should take my own advice here!

  11. When I read the post I did not even notice the dress. It was the love and happiness between you and your family that caught my attention.

  12. Only three words seem appropriate and are on the tip of my tongue. YOU GO GIRL!

  13. Wonderful, gracious response, Pam, to a commenter who did not deserve such. But you are a woman of grace and class, and no rude comment is going to ever change that! And PS, you looked fab!

  14. Your answer to that troll was excellent ! Good for you for saying what was on your mind although you did not need to justify your choices. Thank you for your fashion advice . I don't often comment but I always read your blog. As a 56 yo plus size woman (14-16) I'm glad to see choices regardless of size, thank you Pam for your blog and to the troll, karma is a b@#tch...

  15. I think you looked beautiful, Pam, and it was more the happiness radiating out from you than the dress itself.

    Those anonymous comments can be so thoughtless and hurtful - and yes, they never sign their names, and we never see what THEY post on the internet day in and day out!

    I'm proud of you for never giving up, for going to a training and for striving to be healthy. You rock - don't ever for get that, Pam!

  16. Hi Pam,
    Sheila - above hit the nail on the head. It was a joyous occasion and live for today and feel its beauty.

  17. Dear Pam I am so glad that you responded so graciously to Anon and her meanness.
    I really don't understand some peoples lack of Kindness.
    Pam I also applaud your determination to keep on working at it. You know some of the trauma I have been through and weight gain has been part of that, I am frustrated with it big time.
    We'll talk more later!

    Giveaway from The Enchanted Home!

  18. Great response. I too didn't really pay attention to your outfit I was more interested in the details of the wedding. How empty a person must be to be a troll. I am amazed at the rude, mean comments they make on people's blogs.

  19. I love your blog and can't believe someone would make that comment. You have great flair, style, and class. Thanks for persevering and sharing your challenges and successes with us!

  20. I think Anonymous must have been having a bad day and feeling a lack of confidence in herself. Hopefully she'll keep reading your blog and see how you always find the positive side of life. It's nice to have clothes that feel perfect for the occasion, but respect, confidence and friendship are more important than the style of a dress.

  21. Hi Pam
    What an excellent answer to a very thoughtless, mean-spirited comment. i do not usually comment but I really enjoy reading your blog. You have a radiance, beauty and artistry in every picture you post. It comes from within, enhances everything that you wear, and will always be with you no matter where your health journey takes you. Thank you for your creative and positive messages.

  22. Great response, Pam.
    You are a beautiful woman and so generous of your time to share with us on this blog. I know those kinds of comments can really bother me though too.
    Just have to brush it off and keep being YOU.
    Most of us are understanding and are going through similar issues. We're here for each other. Don't let Ms. Rude bring you down.

  23. I can never understand why someone has the need to post a negative comment like that. Her comment could have been phrased in such a nicer manner. Our country has turned into a bunch of rude, faceless, posters.

  24. I have been reading you for a while now and this entry is so powerful I would like to make MY first comment: You are class, pure class.
    The Anonymous commenter (troll?) is probably gorgeous, thin, young(er) and yet so unhappy they need to spend their time pulling others down. I feel sorry for that person.
    BTW I am in Johannesburg, South Africa and do not have access to the retailers you recommend but I learn something new from you often- Thank You!

  25. Three cheers for you Pam!!!

  26. Pam, some people just want to spread their misery. You, on the other hand, spread positivity, strength, joy, and making the most of each day. Keep up the good work!

  27. Don't you dare throw in the towel and let the years decide your looks...You are a lovely talented woman and you own looking absolutely fabulous...Get your rear in gear and work on that weight...You can have anything in the world but giving up...That, my dear, is not on the plate...Bestie...

  28. Your classy response is what sets you apart from the anonymous. It's hard to understand why someone felt the need to be so mean spirited. You are a REAL woman, and know that you are loved!

  29. Pam, you are lovely inside & out! Clothes don't make the woman, as we all know! I had a similar incident this weekend, not being able to fit into my more "favorite" clothes, and almost decided to forego the play I had been looking forward to seeing. Instead, I put on my comfy clothes and took off! Next stop - the gym. Hey! That's what it's there for, right? For us to get back into shape! You go, Girl! More support out here for you than criticism - any day! Hugs!

  30. First off, thank you for your work here. :)

    Secondly, fashion is and, will always be subjective.
    While I may or, may not like a particular "style." I do
    and, will always enjoy reading your blog!
    Your blog offers much more to the reader than fashion.
    You offer us self respect. Permission to believe we
    are worthy of attention and, adornment regardless of our
    age. :) This is much needed therapy, as the fashion industry
    assumes only ladies under 40 with great figures are worthy of
    being and, looking FABULOUS. :)

  31. Fabulous post Pam. I love your blog and if I didn't I wouldn't read it. This is the downside of internet nasty troll types. I think you saw this one off beautifully!!!

  32. Wow--i thought you looked fantastic and so appropriate.
    Awesome response to that person Pam!!

  33. Oh, this was great! What a classy way to put her in her place - loved it :)

    Thank you for answering for all of us, in the exact same position.

  34. Maybe Anonymus is younger and slimmer... maybe... but wait until she gets to the age we are right now.
    I hope she will then have the same passion, fun and great community we have!

    Well done, Pam!

    Join my giveaway: Fabulous clutch
    Lady of Style

  35. There is that old saying...if you cant say something nice about someone, dont say anything at all. Just because you can say what you want when you are anonymous doesnt mean you should.Words can hurt. She was just plain old rude. Glad you responded the way you did. Facing up to people who hurt our feelings is important, as long as we respond with class. I wish you well.

  36. Great comments Pam.. well said! That's another thing about being 50 feeling 40 or 60 feeling 50.. we know our mind, eventually! And we are not afraid of saying it like it should be said! I totally am behind you.. you don't have to 'please explain'.. and another thing.. you're not too proud to share your heart! Which is after all, the fruit from your tree you're bearing.. so well done Pam.. wahoo! Your blog header clearly states what you stand for.. Strength, confidence and joy. x j

  37. So, what was wrong with the dress you wore? I just went and took a look at it and see absolutely NOTHING wrong with the dress or how it looked on you. I too think that anonymous should share a photo of herself so we can all see the proper way to dress for a wedding. Jeez.

  38. Ah, the Internet trolls. The more popular your blog becomes the more they will want to pull you into their nasty little hovel under the bridge. Don't let them! We love what you do. Keep doing it!

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  41. Wow, Pam, I can't believe someone wrote that to you, but I love your response to it. I'm glad you are working with a trainer. I can't imagine anybody at a gym would laugh at anyone behind their back. If people are at the gym, everybody's on the same team to get healthier. XO, Jill

  42. I came across your blog today by happy accident. I turned 50 last month and am searching out bloggers I can relate to while I get serious about my own blog. This post hit so close to home and is so honest and pure it just made me feel good. Please don't ever let hurtful hateful people stop you from enjoying your life. I'm signing up to receive your posts. Thank you!

  43. Pam I am stunned that someone would write something so unkind. I think most of us, regardless of age, relate to the challenges you share here. I know I do. For the record, I think you looked lovely at the wedding. Your response to anonymous was very gracious without letting her "off the hook". I never understand why one woman will want to bring another down. Pam you are a real woman providing real inspiration and encouragement to women like me...thank you.


Thanks so much for joining in our conversation today! I appreciate your time and love hearing from you!